No Rock Badgers, Pigs, Lawyers or Each Other Shalt Thou Eat

As THE LORD THY GOD there are lots of things about my latest experiment, The Smart Monkey, that really gets my gilded calf into meltdown mode. I try to let a lot of things slide because I've got a universe to run and I'M BUSY getting things in order for my Son to take over fairly soon. Still, whenever I take a magazine break to keep up on how things are going for that Free Will 4.6 program I've been running on Earth for a few thousand years I keep stumbling across items like The Case for Cannibalism by Theodore Dalrymple at City Journal.

According to the psychiatrist, Heinrich Wilmer, the German cannibal Armin Meiwes, who killed Bernd Brandes and then ate at least 44 pounds of his flesh, is suffering from "emotional problems." We might say the same, I suppose, of Brandes, who answered Meiwes's Internet advertisement for "a young, well-built man who wants to be eaten" though his problems are now past curing. Brandes also had a slightly offbeat sense of humor. On discovering that both he and Meiwes were smokers, he reportedly said, "Good, smoked meat lasts longer."


Lest anyone think that the argument from mutual consent for the permissibility of cannibalism is purely theoretical, it is precisely what Meiwes’s defense lawyer is arguing in court. The case is a reductio ad absurdum of the philosophy according to which individual desire is the only thing that counts in deciding what is permissible in society. Brandes wanted to be killed and eaten; Meiwes wanted to kill and eat. Thanks to one of the wonders of modern technology, the Internet, they both could avoid that most debilitating of all human conditions, frustrated desire. What is wrong with that? Please answer from first principles only.

Sigh. I boil it down to 10 things. Ten little easy to understand things and you STILL DON'T GET IT!

It's enough to make me dump the way-new business plan my Son drew up and get Old Testament on your ass. First principles? Okay, here are a few striaight from THE LORD THY GOD:

GOD SAYS: not all desires should be gratified, instantly or otherwise. Please note that the more desires there are that can be gratified, the greater the opportunity for evil. NOW I DON'T LIKE EVIL. I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO PUMP UP THE SEA LEVEL SEVERAL MILES JUST TO MAKE THAT POINT.

GOD SAYS: Cannibalism is not only wrong but depraved and vile even if you can find a willing meal.

GOD SAYS: Some things (and many more than we'd like to think) cannot be justified under the banner of "consenting adults." Remember, that's your idea not MINE.

GOD SAYS: Any lawyer who would argue in court that "mutual consent" is a defense for cannibalism, needs to be fed to STARVING WART HOGS alive on a live web cam. For the public good.

UPDATE: My Son just emailed me to say that I'm being too hard on the lawyers, and that I copped that punishment from Thomas Harris. (Humph, Who does He think gave Harris the idea in the first place?) Okay, I'll hack him up before I feed him to the swine. The webcast stays.

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You know what GOD detests most about Allah?

HE detests Allah's smarmy lifestyle of sitting around swimming pools and shaving the armpits of all those girly-martyrs that show up in so many different chunks that Allah's got to run up outstanding Super Glue charges at the local 7/11.

I admit it was a small stroke of genius to take those original commercials of a man hanging by his helmet from a steel beam by one drop of SuperGlue and shift them to just a Believer's head dangling there, but then Al, or "Junior," as I think of him, has always been fond of small strokes. Still, this immediate Resurrection routine has got to be stopped.

My program, as you all know, is for everyone to come back at once, on one day, looking their best and five pounds lighter than their fighting weight, all in dress whites.

Al, when are your going to learn that it spoils the effect when you just keep hauling them up and gluing them back together ad fucking hoc. Besides, you can't keep depending on the Orthodox Jews to do your sweeping up for you. They are my CHOSEN PEOPLE and I don't mean chosen to clean up after you.

My advice to Allah: You want to keep blowing up your believers along with innocent people and then patching them together? Invest in a ShopVac for Christ's sake.

Don't make me get Old Testament on your ass.

P.S. While it might be okay to shave your Martyrs' armpits, sniffing them before and after is RIGHT OUT!

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Because I say so...

Junior wants to know, since he is subject to overwhelming fits of mental flatulence:

Why are there no radical Muslims on American television, kufr? Have you noticed this? Last night Allah was watching the profane, retarded piece of dog shit you call "The Next Joe Millionaire" and it struck him that there were no muslims... [Allah Is In The House]
The Muslims, and their ergot-addled deity, Al, are clearly not ready for Prime Time, Cable, or even PBS (Even though they slip in there from time to time by waving their scimitars, dropping cash, and promising camel humps to the young producers of all four sexes.

The Muslims, in case you haven't been paying attention, are more of a work in progress than the platypus. I keep meaning to tweak their DNA and get them in the groove, but frankly its a pain in the ass and I have more interesting things to do than sort out a bunch of camel jockeys whose idea of a good time is to strap on some C4 and play spank the monkey with the detonator.

I'll get around to it soon, but right now I've got my whole staff pulling an all-nighter on the sixth planet of Denebutarq in the Crab Nebula trying to get this advanced methane slime mold to emit nitrogen. So hang in there until I can get this done. Okay?

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