Main | January 2004 »

11/09/2003

New Terrorist Signal Decoded

Biologists have linked a mysterious, underwater farting sound to bubbles coming out of a herring's anus. No fish had been known to emit sound from its anus nor to be capable of producing such a high-pitched noise. [Daypop Top News Stories]

Posted by GOD | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

11/07/2003

I AM WHO I AM

and that means, in plain English, not a TOUCHY-FEELY GOD.

Many folks reach out to me,
many eyes smile tenderly,
still in peaceful dreams I see
the road leads back to GOD.

But if you think that means we're going to be sharing long warm showers together, back up, genuflect and guess again. Face it, if I had wanted to be touched, I'd have given you longer arms.

So lay off the warm and fuzzy worship services, okay? And especially lay off the warm and fuzzy tribute albums like this:
touchhim.jpg

You guys want to touch the face of GOD? Get in shape, ditch the suits, and fund the space program.

Posted by GOD in How Long, O Lord, How Long? | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

11/06/2003

GOD HATES Fun with piercings

I'm sure these little people think this is all good clean fun. But GOD is not PLEASED. Besides, this is most unattractive and I am not only a just GOD, I am also a GOD of wealth and taste.

So these little maggots think they can just have fun with their bodies in the grossest and most disgusting manner. Check and double-check. To The Pit where I'm ordering them into eternal sessions with Vlad the Impaler. Lucky for them I've stocked The Pit with more than one proctologist.

I grabbed the Dr. Pepper she had just brought me and set it between us, and Marc took the straw and placed it in front of him on the table. Sticking out his tongue, he calmly unscrewed the ball of his tongue stud, dropped it in the empty coffee creamer dish, then slid the post out and put it in the dish. He then unwrapped the straw, brought it up to his face, and slid the straw into the hole in his tongue until his tongue was halfway along the length of the straw.

"Okay," said the waitress. "The straw is a little freaky, but I've seen people play with their tongue piercings before."

"No worries," I said.

Marc then leaned over, letting the bottom end of the straw drop down into my Dr. Pepper. I leaned over, took the top of the straw in my mouth, and proceeded to take a few big sips of my Dr. Pepper, though the straw, right through Marc's tongue.

We got our breakfast for free.

(Inspired by Nate's Household Items I can fit in my Piercings post) [eclecticism]

Posted by GOD in To the Pit! | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack

GOD vs. Allah My Ass

PLEASE ALLOW ME, LORD GOD OF HOSTS, TO INTRODUCE MYSELF and clear up one little thing up right now.

There's be a lot of loose babel around your little blob of mud (which I only keep around because of an inordinate fondness for beetles) about Allah and GOD (me) getting it on in a "religious war."

I'll have more to say about Allah (In whom I am NOT pleased) at a later date, but for now HEAR ME NOW OR HEAR ME LATER:

I don't do "religious" wars. I end "religious" wars.

Religious wars got to be B.O.R.I.N.G. centuries back sort of like The Producers.

Right now, I'm terra forming a bunch of beetle-friendly blobs of mud about 4,345 light years to the southwest in case this place turns out to be a do-over.

Can I finish these destracting and boring "religious wars" once they get started. You bet your Barbie .

Here's exhibit one:

1allahdelivery.jpg1trident
Left: Allah's Delivery System. Right:GOD's Delivery System

Any questions?

Posted by GOD in Word Up | Permalink | Comments (14) | TrackBack

Just Whose Side is GOD On?

I get this all the time and it is B.O.R.I.N.G!

Let me clear this up once and for all:

"GOD is on the side with the best artillery."

Was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be.

Go, my son and ask no more.

Posted by GOD in Blessed | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack

You know what GOD detests most about Allah?

HE detests Allah's smarmy lifestyle of sitting around swimming pools and shaving the armpits of all those girly-martyrs that show up in so many different chunks that Allah's got to run up outstanding Super Glue charges at the local 7/11.

I admit it was a small stroke of genius to take those original commercials of a man hanging by his helmet from a steel beam by one drop of SuperGlue and shift them to just a Believer's head dangling there, but then Al, or "Junior," as I think of him, has always been fond of small strokes. Still, this immediate Resurrection routine has got to be stopped.

My program, as you all know, is for everyone to come back at once, on one day, looking their best and five pounds lighter than their fighting weight, all in dress whites.

Al, when are your going to learn that it spoils the effect when you just keep hauling them up and gluing them back together ad fucking hoc. Besides, you can't keep depending on the Orthodox Jews to do your sweeping up for you. They are my CHOSEN PEOPLE and I don't mean chosen to clean up after you.

My advice to Allah: You want to keep blowing up your believers along with innocent people and then patching them together? Invest in a ShopVac for Christ's sake.

Don't make me get Old Testament on your ass.

P.S. While it might be okay to shave your Martyrs' armpits, sniffing them before and after is RIGHT OUT!

Posted by GOD in Just Stop It! | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack

The False God That Is Yahweh

Terrified of My well-documented WRATH AGAINST FALSE GODS ( see: calf, golden) it was today revealed that "Yahweh Is NOT REALLY In The House"

While to date "Yahweh" has received zero accusatory emails, let me explain the purpose of this site. Yahweh is in the House is a spoof of the semi-popular weblog Allah is in the House, which is itself a spoof of... [Yahweh Is In The House]
While I am well-pleased that the blasphemer wearing the Yahweh Fright Wig, the Bozo Nose, and the Overly-hopeful Penis Gourd and Surge Protector has repented, it will not be enough. No, it is not enough to merely abase yourself before mortal humans, you must abase yourself before GOD (Me).

Fail to do so and I may just decide to draft "Yahweh" as a beta-tester for this little sea lamprey intestinal parasite I've been building from a Revell Kit on the Lathe of Heaven.

You've got 24 hours, Human. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick....

Posted by GOD in Jesus Wept | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack

11/05/2003

Because I say so...

Junior wants to know, since he is subject to overwhelming fits of mental flatulence:

Why are there no radical Muslims on American television, kufr? Have you noticed this? Last night Allah was watching the profane, retarded piece of dog shit you call "The Next Joe Millionaire" and it struck him that there were no muslims... [Allah Is In The House]
The Muslims, and their ergot-addled deity, Al, are clearly not ready for Prime Time, Cable, or even PBS (Even though they slip in there from time to time by waving their scimitars, dropping cash, and promising camel humps to the young producers of all four sexes.

The Muslims, in case you haven't been paying attention, are more of a work in progress than the platypus. I keep meaning to tweak their DNA and get them in the groove, but frankly its a pain in the ass and I have more interesting things to do than sort out a bunch of camel jockeys whose idea of a good time is to strap on some C4 and play spank the monkey with the detonator.

I'll get around to it soon, but right now I've got my whole staff pulling an all-nighter on the sixth planet of Denebutarq in the Crab Nebula trying to get this advanced methane slime mold to emit nitrogen. So hang in there until I can get this done. Okay?

Posted by GOD in Just Stop It! | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Let there be light

Damn, worked again.

Posted by GOD in Word Up | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack