OK.... I'm back from my break
... and I'm pissed!
The Inner Nature of GOD
No Rock Badgers, Pigs, Lawyers or Each Other Shalt Thou Eat
As THE LORD THY GOD there are lots of things about my latest experiment, The Smart Monkey, that really gets my gilded calf into meltdown mode. I try to let a lot of things slide because I've got a universe to run and I'M BUSY getting things in order for my Son to take over fairly soon. Still, whenever I take a magazine break to keep up on how things are going for that Free Will 4.6 program I've been running on Earth for a few thousand years I keep stumbling across items like The Case for Cannibalism by Theodore Dalrymple at City Journal.
According to the psychiatrist, Heinrich Wilmer, the German cannibal Armin Meiwes, who killed Bernd Brandes and then ate at least 44 pounds of his flesh, is suffering from "emotional problems." We might say the same, I suppose, of Brandes, who answered Meiwes's Internet advertisement for "a young, well-built man who wants to be eaten" though his problems are now past curing. Brandes also had a slightly offbeat sense of humor. On discovering that both he and Meiwes were smokers, he reportedly said, "Good, smoked meat lasts longer."Sigh. I boil it down to 10 things. Ten little easy to understand things and you STILL DON'T GET IT!
Lest anyone think that the argument from mutual consent for the permissibility of cannibalism is purely theoretical, it is precisely what Meiwes’s defense lawyer is arguing in court. The case is a reductio ad absurdum of the philosophy according to which individual desire is the only thing that counts in deciding what is permissible in society. Brandes wanted to be killed and eaten; Meiwes wanted to kill and eat. Thanks to one of the wonders of modern technology, the Internet, they both could avoid that most debilitating of all human conditions, frustrated desire. What is wrong with that? Please answer from first principles only.
It's enough to make me dump the way-new business plan my Son drew up and get Old Testament on your ass. First principles? Okay, here are a few striaight from THE LORD THY GOD:
GOD SAYS: not all desires should be gratified, instantly or otherwise. Please note that the more desires there are that can be gratified, the greater the opportunity for evil. NOW I DON'T LIKE EVIL. I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO PUMP UP THE SEA LEVEL SEVERAL MILES JUST TO MAKE THAT POINT.
GOD SAYS: Cannibalism is not only wrong but depraved and vile even if you can find a willing meal.
GOD SAYS: Some things (and many more than we'd like to think) cannot be justified under the banner of "consenting adults." Remember, that's your idea not MINE.
GOD SAYS: Any lawyer who would argue in court that "mutual consent" is a defense for cannibalism, needs to be fed to STARVING WART HOGS alive on a live web cam. For the public good.
UPDATE: My Son just emailed me to say that I'm being too hard on the lawyers, and that I copped that punishment from Thomas Harris. (Humph, Who does He think gave Harris the idea in the first place?) Okay, I'll hack him up before I feed him to the swine. The webcast stays.
New Terrorist Signal Decoded
Biologists have linked a mysterious, underwater farting sound to bubbles coming out of a herring's anus. No fish had been known to emit sound from its anus nor to be capable of producing such a high-pitched noise. [Daypop Top News Stories]
I AM WHO I AM
and that means, in plain English, not a TOUCHY-FEELY GOD.
Many folks reach out to me,
many eyes smile tenderly,
still in peaceful dreams I see
the road leads back to GOD.
But if you think that means we're going to be sharing long warm showers together, back up, genuflect and guess again. Face it, if I had wanted to be touched, I'd have given you longer arms.
So lay off the warm and fuzzy worship services, okay? And especially lay off the warm and fuzzy tribute albums like this:
You guys want to touch the face of GOD? Get in shape, ditch the suits, and fund the space program.
GOD HATES Fun with piercings
I'm sure these little people think this is all good clean fun. But GOD is not PLEASED. Besides, this is most unattractive and I am not only a just GOD, I am also a GOD of wealth and taste.
So these little maggots think they can just have fun with their bodies in the grossest and most disgusting manner. Check and double-check. To The Pit where I'm ordering them into eternal sessions with Vlad the Impaler. Lucky for them I've stocked The Pit with more than one proctologist.
I grabbed the Dr. Pepper she had just brought me and set it between us, and Marc took the straw and placed it in front of him on the table. Sticking out his tongue, he calmly unscrewed the ball of his tongue stud, dropped it in the empty coffee creamer dish, then slid the post out and put it in the dish. He then unwrapped the straw, brought it up to his face, and slid the straw into the hole in his tongue until his tongue was halfway along the length of the straw.
"Okay," said the waitress. "The straw is a little freaky, but I've seen people play with their tongue piercings before."
"No worries," I said.
Marc then leaned over, letting the bottom end of the straw drop down into my Dr. Pepper. I leaned over, took the top of the straw in my mouth, and proceeded to take a few big sips of my Dr. Pepper, though the straw, right through Marc's tongue.
We got our breakfast for free.
GOD vs. Allah My Ass
PLEASE ALLOW ME, LORD GOD OF HOSTS, TO INTRODUCE MYSELF and clear up one little thing up right now.
There's be a lot of loose babel around your little blob of mud (which I only keep around because of an inordinate fondness for beetles) about Allah and GOD (me) getting it on in a "religious war."
I'll have more to say about Allah (In whom I am NOT pleased) at a later date, but for now HEAR ME NOW OR HEAR ME LATER:
I don't do "religious" wars. I end "religious" wars.
Religious wars got to be B.O.R.I.N.G. centuries back sort of like The Producers.
Right now, I'm terra forming a bunch of beetle-friendly blobs of mud about 4,345 light years to the southwest in case this place turns out to be a do-over.
Can I finish these destracting and boring "religious wars" once they get started. You bet your Barbie .
Here's exhibit one:
Just Whose Side is GOD On?
I get this all the time and it is B.O.R.I.N.G!
Let me clear this up once and for all:
"GOD is on the side with the best artillery."
Was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be.
Go, my son and ask no more.
You know what GOD detests most about Allah?
HE detests Allah's smarmy lifestyle of sitting around swimming pools and shaving the armpits of all those girly-martyrs that show up in so many different chunks that Allah's got to run up outstanding Super Glue charges at the local 7/11.
I admit it was a small stroke of genius to take those original commercials of a man hanging by his helmet from a steel beam by one drop of SuperGlue and shift them to just a Believer's head dangling there, but then Al, or "Junior," as I think of him, has always been fond of small strokes. Still, this immediate Resurrection routine has got to be stopped.
My program, as you all know, is for everyone to come back at once, on one day, looking their best and five pounds lighter than their fighting weight, all in dress whites.
Al, when are your going to learn that it spoils the effect when you just keep hauling them up and gluing them back together ad fucking hoc. Besides, you can't keep depending on the Orthodox Jews to do your sweeping up for you. They are my CHOSEN PEOPLE and I don't mean chosen to clean up after you.
My advice to Allah: You want to keep blowing up your believers along with innocent people and then patching them together? Invest in a ShopVac for Christ's sake.
Don't make me get Old Testament on your ass.
P.S. While it might be okay to shave your Martyrs' armpits, sniffing them before and after is RIGHT OUT!
The False God That Is Yahweh
Terrified of My well-documented WRATH AGAINST FALSE GODS ( see: calf, golden) it was today revealed that "Yahweh Is NOT REALLY In The House"
While to date "Yahweh" has received zero accusatory emails, let me explain the purpose of this site. Yahweh is in the House is a spoof of the semi-popular weblog Allah is in the House, which is itself a spoof of... [Yahweh Is In The House]While I am well-pleased that the blasphemer wearing the Yahweh Fright Wig, the Bozo Nose, and the Overly-hopeful Penis Gourd and Surge Protector has repented, it will not be enough. No, it is not enough to merely abase yourself before mortal humans, you must abase yourself before GOD (Me).
Fail to do so and I may just decide to draft "Yahweh" as a beta-tester for this little sea lamprey intestinal parasite I've been building from a Revell Kit on the Lathe of Heaven.
You've got 24 hours, Human. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick....
Because I say so...
Junior wants to know, since he is subject to overwhelming fits of mental flatulence:
Why are there no radical Muslims on American television, kufr? Have you noticed this? Last night Allah was watching the profane, retarded piece of dog shit you call "The Next Joe Millionaire" and it struck him that there were no muslims... [Allah Is In The House]The Muslims, and their ergot-addled deity, Al, are clearly not ready for Prime Time, Cable, or even PBS (Even though they slip in there from time to time by waving their scimitars, dropping cash, and promising camel humps to the young producers of all four sexes.
The Muslims, in case you haven't been paying attention, are more of a work in progress than the platypus. I keep meaning to tweak their DNA and get them in the groove, but frankly its a pain in the ass and I have more interesting things to do than sort out a bunch of camel jockeys whose idea of a good time is to strap on some C4 and play spank the monkey with the detonator.
I'll get around to it soon, but right now I've got my whole staff pulling an all-nighter on the sixth planet of Denebutarq in the Crab Nebula trying to get this advanced methane slime mold to emit nitrogen. So hang in there until I can get this done. Okay?
Let there be light
Damn, worked again.